A Confession

Besides the personal and family issues in my life hindering my writing output, I have to admit that the biggest culprit is--me.  Specifically, I've been caught in the trap of waiting and hoping, every day, for The Email.  That's the one that an agent or magazine editor sends to me to let me know that I'm accepted--or that my writing is, since of course it's never personal.  I hope every day for such a response--I check the mail with anticipation (though we all know that if you get an SASE back, that's not a good sign.  A Yes will come by email or phone.) and I'm very disappointed every day when no acceptance appears.  The same, but worse, happens with me and email.  The disappointment is much more profound via email, especially since I've received a Yes via email before (for "Hide the Weird").

So I let the daily disappointment get to me, and I get down--and the other things in my life right now don't help that--and then I can't focus on my writing, despite my tons of ideas, and I don't get any writing done at all.  This is happening more and more frequently lately.

I know the answer is to just have a daily schedule of writing, so that it becomes habit and not dependent on good news, or whim, or creative drive.  I know this like I know my own name.  This will also even out my moods, so that I'm not so disappointed, and so that when a Yes comes, it's just a pleasant surprise that stops the writing.  I know this.  I've got the books, the ledgers, the research and the talent to get that done.
And yet I don't.

I suppose I should give myself a break.  The stuff going on right now would halt anybody.  And yet the disappointment of not getting any writing done on a consistent basis is adding to my disappointment and REALLY getting me down, so that I'm more down about not getting any writing done, day after day, than I am about not getting a Yes, day after day.

I need to forgive myself these failures and just start tomorrow with a schedule.  I just need to start writing every day.